7 weeks and the world as I know it is different

I can't Julian has only been here 7 weeks and already he's affected so many people's lives. My family can't get enough of him and I still haven't been able to stop staring at him. He has changed so much since Day 1, I can't even begin to describe it. He's found his voice and can now scream, umm...well, he's been screaming for like 2 weeks now and NOW now, his scream has a little something different again.

He's quite impatient - if he's hungry, he wants his milk now. He used to not be able to tolerate a dirty diaper, now he's better at it. Still poos the way rabbits bonk though and I am slicing through packets and packets of Pet Pet, Drypers and Mamy Poko......

We've taken him out into the Big World so far - once on CNY Day 1 for a visit to his Great Grandma and a vegetarian lunch and also on Feb 6 for Grandma Penang's Birthday Dinner. Both of which Julian slept right through. He's a sleeper this one....except after the sky turns dark. Oh my god, the past few nights, he's just been bright-eyed and bushy tailed from about 2am until 6am! Which means mum is dark-eyed and bushy haired from staying up with him. He also loves being held which means no rest time and the arm is certainly building up its biceps. One time, I even fell asleep with him in my arms and on me as I reclined in a sofa seat - dangerous as heck I know but it happened and I woke up before I knew it.

The poor boy seems to have an immature digestive track still though and keeps spitting up his milk still - not helped by the seemingly enormous amount of gas he seems to have. Perhaps courtesy of my feeding bottle or my diet...am uncertain about that but so far I haven't changed anything. Tried one time, Gripe Water, which didn't seem to work any miracles, as so oft is claimed, and even tried bicycling his legs and rolling a hot water bottle over his tumtum, both of which, also zilch effect. He seems to get most farty around midnight....strange! That's when the farts come out to play! All I can say is, thank god the internet is free cos I have certainly been burning the bandwidth checking if this or that is common for babies his age.

Being a first time mother, I've got a gazillion things I'm worried about for him....even as I try to goo-goo-ga-ga at him as he learns to use his voice (I promise you, I heard 'Ma' 2 days ago!!!). I worry about him choking on his milk if he drinks too fast or milk spouts too fast at him, I worry when he spits up sometimes, what seems to be like an ounce of milk, I worry that he doesn't get enough sleep (recently), I worry about his gas, I worry as heck about his nanny not taking proper care of him!!! (that's a biggie!). I worry that I worry too much! In fact, I know I worry too much and the other day, after this eureka moment, I told myself, that he seems to be growing well, gaining weight, can smile, and that I should just let him be, give him his space and freedom to grow as other little boys without an over-protective mother. But that though flies right outta my mind when he cries in the middle of the night and I don't know what is wrong or what it is he wants - he's just fed, his diaper's not dirty....What.Is.It Boy????

And yeah, I worry about the fact that I can't seem to differentiate his cries too...which people say should have happened by now. I don't see a pattern, I don't hear a similarity, perhaps I'm just not doing very well. :(

In a previous post, I write about Motherhood being a lonely journey. I must add it is Scary for a new mum. And sometimes, I must admit, the hormones (are there any left?) really do get to me. I do cry (apparently for no reason it may seem to hubby) and I do worry inside that ayuh, I could be doing much better. Nobody tells me I'm doing a good or crappy job, nobody says he recognises me as his mum or shows me different behaviours he shows no one else, no one asks and really wants to know what's been happening today and how has it been from a baby perspective and from Errolyn's perspective...well Ju Han does tell me I'm doing a good job but he has to do that, he's my husband. At least I don't feel like anyone does. I reckon it isn't hard to do when people can comment that he recognises the nanny and calms down when she holds him eh....AHA - Jealousy, is that you knocking at my door?

The wondrous thing though is that God blesses the mum with boundless energy - I reckon I sleep like 3 hours a night but still manage to function (and write blog posts it seems) without day naps. If I'm not with Julian, I still worry about him, so in the end, I might as well have him with me; is what I tell Ju Han. Yeah, I believe that no one but yourself can do it right the way you want it done! Hahahahhaha....

But going back to the lonely journey - it's scary, tiring and confusing but I wouldn't exchange it for anything. I have morphed into the mum who cannot speak of other things besides her baby and his antics for the day. I feel already, like the housewife who has nothing else to speak of with her hubby - which is a bad thing (in my opinion) cos I want to be able to have intelligent, relevant conversations about life, the world, politics.......

(Hang on, baby just started crying). Oh yeah, another thing I worry about - he loves holding his breath when he cries and turns rather dark or purply which scares me to no end! It's no laughing matter I know but I don't know how else to write this post without sounding depressed.

Life changes, yes, life has changed. In monumental ways that I can process and probably in some ways I can't.

So far, I've been out on my own like twice and it's probably, nay, it Definitely is a good thing to do. New mums MUST get out on their own at least once a week I think. It confirms to you, you are still a person and it gives you some time away from the feeding, the carrying, the changing, the worrying....uh well, maybe not the worrying but at least you still feel like a member of the human race and not just A Mum. Nothing gives you more joy than knowing that when you come home, you're coming home to your baby. So, after the endless litany of crying and such, feeling a rejuvenated sense of knowing you wouldn't have it any other way is just refreshingly joyful.

This blog I put up early on to talk about the wedding and our marriage trials, tribulations and jubilations so that others may learn or at the very least be entertained by my experiences and writing. Now I write about motherhood and I try to bring to the table, issues and concerns and feelings and experiences that others don't talk about. I believe that every new mum, or old one for that matter, feels doubt and worry, feels as if perhaps she is doing everything all wrong - it's normal. The important thing, which I'm still trying to learn, is that you realise you can only do your best, and move on. Every day is different, the time will fly by and his colic would have come and gone, his teething nights come and gone, his fear of going to school and wanting you to sit around and hold his hand all day, yup that too and then, you'll only be able to wish for those times when all he wanted was for you to hold him all day. Yes, I need to learn this lesson...difficult one to remember when I'm trying to calm and shush a fretful baby at 4.45am, the 4th hour going on 5 and my actions are less gentle as I hoist him up higher against my body again...but I must learn never to take it out on him - after all he's only 7....weeks old and no amount of admonishment can make him understand or change his behaviour.

So, for you who wants to know out there, I cry because if I could, I would cry for him, take away his gas pains, or his discomfort, I cry because I worry that I'm not doing right by him, I cry because I just don't know what to do next and I cry because no one else knows or can understand what I am going through right now. The best thing for a mum going through all this is for another current mum (meaning one who has a baby the same age or thereabouts) to say, "Yes, I know exactly what you are going through and yes, it will get better!" Because no one else, and that includes mothers whose kids are grown and flown away will understand what you are going through right now and that is why Motherhood is a Lonely Journey.