Trapped

This morning as I woke up with a start and reached over to shut off my 6.15am alarm, I had a terrible feeling of being trapped. Trapped because I knew I had to get up soon and go to work, trapped because I was still tired and sleepy, trapped because I didn’t know when the next feeding would be and when it would end.

But it was a momentary lapse in the whole experience of being a mom. Actually I shouldn’t call it a lapse because the feelings of being trapped, or being unhappy, or feeling like your whole life has been turned around and you don’t think it will ever come back again – that is all a part of being a parent and even more, a mother. Every mother feels this, secretly or not, I believe. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I have been really exhausted with Julian before, but this is my first time of feeling trapped.

I would love to just take a break, go back to the way I was, the way we were, take a holiday, think only of myself, sleep through the night, spend hours at a mall without missing a baby or feeling guilty about leaving him alone at home when I could be helping him develop. I would love it, but then I would never give up having a child. At the end of the holiday, or after the second I feel lost or tired, I thank God I have Julian in my life.